Hiatus, Hallowe’en, & Thieving Whores

Excuse the hiatus people. We’ve been busy with other projects and so SquidNiki suffers from neglect. It’s a mournful predicament and regrettable but, we find consolation in cooking and tippling regardless of other commitments. We carry the SN torch even as SN itself lies dormant.

Not least of our distractions is well described in the following quotation, a recent status update pulled from the annals of Niki’s Facebook profile:

To whomever stole the CF card from my camera:

Should you have a sudden visitation from good conscience you may return the item free of censure, post haste. I understand that drinking has a tendency to influence one’s better judgement.

Should you decide to maintain this deceitful and malevolent ruse, I hope that all the countless souls of humanity’s departed shall visit you two days hence and deliver you unto gruesome and unspeakable evil.

You have purloined priceless family treasures you feckless cur!

The quotation is dated 31st, October, 2011. The inferences: that somebody stole the CF card from Niki’s camera at a party and that, should they remain in anonymity, the now past November 2nd, All Soul’s Day, should see unspeakable evils visited upon them. Among the lost photographic family treasure are about ten articles worth of Niki posts and recipe photos.

That people are such unseasoned drinkers, that they conduct themselves in such a manner at piss-ups identifies the sad state of affairs that we the world seem to be experiencing. +/-7 billion of us, and counting, and measures of good conduct have never before found such primacy in this crowded place. Yet the actual effect of this swelling populace would seem to be just the opposite. It has been heard to have been stated that “4% of people are incorrigible and should be put down!” We at SquidNiki approve this message. We amend it too. let’s change that 4 into a 25, give or take.

Griping aside, as the title suggests, a Hallowe’en instalment is in order:

Katarina Pumkin c. 2011 by Niki (via phone-cam).

… Make that el Dia de los Muertos, All Saint’s Day, and All Soul’s Day too. We honor the dead today, tomorrow, and forever, lest we forget!

Finally, we close with an endearing article cultivated from the SN inbox. It comes straight from our favourite and soon to be in-house vegetarian, because everyone needs a veggie to harangue. Cornelia is just that: a harangue-able veggie, and we find her presence mangeable only because she is frequently caught eating meat (and seafood: she pilfered half of the birthday oysters bought by Squid for Niki). She says:

Gordon Ramsey is my hero [Niki too] even though he openly shames vegetarians. Case in point, “Vegetarians have no palate. They don’t care what they eat as long as some fucking little fuzzy wuzzy didn’t have to die for their dinner.” – It’s true, I don’t taste my food. Ask anyone who has eaten a meal with me. It’s quite vulgar actually, the way I inhale food. My sister is particularly disgusted by this; we often eat in my car and even though I am driving and eating (and keeping both hands on the wheel at 10 and 2, or is 9 and 3 the new 10 and 2….I heard somewhere it was….) and my full attention on the road, I have often eaten my entire meal before she has had a chance to finish even half of hers (which 8 out of 10 times includes some meat product.)
“You’re disgusting,” she says, without looking at me.
She’s even given up on making snide quips, she is just so offended by the sudden disappearance of a veggie burger or Starbuck’s version of a pesto tomato arugula and gruyere sandwich. The truth is being a vegetarian bores me half to death. I eat the same things all the time. Food rarely excites me. And I love food. Maybe I’m not allowed to say that because I don’t eat meat. I know Niki is hiding somewhere in this empty café about to burst into righteous laughter at this confession. Maybe even throw a slab of Kobe beef or Bison down on top of my crudités, scattering the celery, peppers and carrots mercilessly to the floor while crying triumphantly, “I knew you wanted my meat!” Yes, Niki, I do want your meat. But I’m still not going to eat it.

Cornelia Boychuck
The Vexed Veggie

Touché Miss Boychuck, if only that you’re finally ready to admit that you want Niki’s meat. We find your allegiance to Starbucks, and anyone else’s, harrowing, your tangental schtick disorientating, and your confession endearing. Your brain is clearly suffering from starvation. But hey, we only edited one errant typo. Bet you didn’t see that coming (Miss Boychuck ascribes to the notion that, not without grounds, her writing cannot resist Niki’s editing, or rather, Niki (and probably Squid given half the chance) cannot resist editing her writing). It’s due to inborn veg’tardation: it cannot be helped except by meat.

Furthermore, Gordon Ramsey was clearly channelling SN through his anti-vegetarian remark and, we should like it known that the meat – should we ever see fit that a good piece of meat be wasted even to make a fervent meat-point to a vegetarian, for that, truly, one only needs invective – Niki would use a fine cut of race-raised horse-meat, thanks very much.

Our love and condolences go out to the children’s teeth. And, this month of November, our thoughts and memories to the soldiers, past and present. You defend our freedom to eat and live as we so choose. May you be rewarded with loving families and full plates in a near and dear future. The tables are set with an extra place, in perpetua, in your honor.

Love & fine red wine,