There seems to be little consensus, on the Web, about the origin of the waffle.

Legends abound jumbling the waffle’s prime ingredients and source. Conflicting stories date the waffle either as far back as the ancient Greeks or give (even more) glory to the Vikings, Leif Ericson accredited as one of the chief developers. Yes, ‘developers’: the waffle is a technological achievement and, like any other internationally enjoyed food of ancient and disputed descent, it was developed, in part, by religion (according to this Time Mag article about the Great American Eggo Shortage).

But who cares? Chaucer wrote about them; they are enjoyed the world round in many shapes and flavours; they come topped with just about anything you can dream of, not excluding more waffles; they are rich in carbs; and, the French call them gophers (gaufres). ‘Nuf Said.

So, after several days of research that took me on a bullshit adventure through the ages, Bill & Ted style, and that produced a group of monks as test subjects, I have developed for you the perfect waffle recipe. They are the best waffles you’ve ever had (or else you’re doing it wrong, idiot). The monks agree, and so does a postpartum prego.

Without further adieu, I present NIKI’S INTERWEB WAFFLES

Diclaimer/YOU WILL OBEY: Before getting into the ingredients list, you must know that it has been decided (by yours truly) that, despite whatever is to be served with or upon them, waffles must largely be neutral or savoury in flavour (I’ve tried several recipes now and the savoury waffles win through every time, rather than the sweet). This North American obsession with sweet-topped-with-sweeter gives me the collywobbles, and I have a sweet-tooth the likes of which few have seen before: most of my teeth were drilled out and at least fifty percent metal by the age of fourteen and I still put two spoons of sugar in my coffee and tea. I also have an immense aversion to brushing my teeth: let Peter explain. The point being, if you avoid the use of vanilla and sugar in your waffle batter, the end result will be a better marriage of flavours when you slather with syrup or decide that these things can be versatile: not just a sweet dessert or breakfast so rich it invades egg and bacon space. Never invade egg and bacon space. You will be waffled.

Here’s the recipe I’ve come up with:

1 Waffle Iron.

1.75 cups Flour, all-purpose.
2 heap tsp Baking Powder.
1 tsp Salt.

2 Egg Yolks.
1.75 cups Homo Milk.
0.5 cup Canola Oil.
Zest of 1 Lemon. You can leave this out but it comes highly recommended. Otherwise, swap in a teaspoon or two of vanilla if you so insist that your waffles be sweet.

White of 2 Eggs.

Step Zero: Plug in and turn on your waffle iron to ensure that it is hot once you’re batter is ready.

Step One: Combine flour, baking powder and salt in a large mixing bowl and mix well.

Step Two: Separate the yolk and white of two eggs: the white into a small mixing bowl, the yolk into a medium sized mixing bowl.

Step Three: Break the yolks and add the milk and canola oil. Mix with a whisk so that you get some serious bubbles and then grate the zest of your lemon into the bowl and mix some more.

Step Four: Make a nest out of the dry ingredients and pour your yolk/milk/oil/zest mix into the centre. Stir the dry mix into the wet mix gently. Make sure you keep the lumps.

Step Five: Beat the shit out of the egg whites and pour them into your lumpy wet mix. Again, stir gently. The egg white should be evenly distributed throughout your wet mix but by no means well mixed in.

Step Six: Ladle the fresh batter into your hot waffle iron. Of course, the amount of batter you use per waffle is dependent on your particular iron. If the batter seems wetter/thinner than you expected you’re on the right track. This is the wettest batter recipe I have ever seen. The great thing about the extra moisture is that you will never have to check your waffles and risk bollocking them up. Once you close the waffle iron and the batter starts cooking the moisture will begin to vaporise. Once the amount of steam coming from your waffle iron starts to diminish your waffles are ready, or almost. It’s safe to check them at this point if you must.

Step Seven: Serve hot with Devonshire cream and syrop or, eat plain. Better yet, serve with eggs and bacon, NO syrup. These are light and fluffy waffles akin to dinner rolls. It’s unorthodox, I know, but I have a mind to serve these aside pork tenderloin in place of roast potatoes or rice. Seriously.


Postscriptum. Much faith in the human race I find in me restored upon the discovery of a dot org Bill & Ted website.