Quaffle Beef Tenderloin

Here is something completely non-magical, un-ethereal, and utterly concrete for those of you who trust in the real and the tangible; the tastable and smellable; the touchable and the right-infront-of-you.

Unlike store-bought souvenir Harry Potter wands (otherwise known as expensive and glorified twigs) — you can jiggle them like a ponce and yell “Expelly-Anus!” all you want, and lo, the world continues to turn, science and the laws of nature remain in tact, your dreams: retarded, childish at best — a good old plate of food will sustain you, for real, and you can taste it, touch it, feel your teeth sink into each morsel; it isn’t all in your head.

It’s a simple and delicious pepper-rolled tenderloin steak; it’s better than Harry Potter.

Medallions of Beef Tenderloin, thick cut. I used a whole 3lb strip of tenderloin and sliced it myself. Use a sharp knife.
Black Pepper, coarsely ground.
Sea Salt, coarse.
Coriander Seeds, coarsely ground.
Dried Garlic Bits, NOT powder.

If you can’t figure out how to roll a steak in pepper and spices stop watching Harry Potter and get an education. If you believe that you should cook beef tenderloin slowly, over medium heat, and all the way through, no amount of education can save you and you can go back to your Harry Potter.

Once the steak is prepared, eat with beer and side salad.

Do not incite my wrath. You will eat a salad with your steak. Salad is an integral part of any meal, sometimes, even breakfast. However, salad is not a meal on its own. You will NOT have just a salad.

Rejoice! Revel in the magic of the real world.


A Postscript for the Harry Potter Nerd: the steak is to help swallow what little pride you have left after getting annihilated by the Bludger on your Quidditch team. He was invariably a football player who joined to crush nouveau douche-nerds. The beer is to stifle the pain when extracting the magical broomstick from your ass. Or, maybe you should leave it there so that you can fly away whenever you want to.